So my sister and I were discussing a few issues she was struggling with earlier. It really made me realize something. I think I finally figured out the disease that plagued my Mother and made her turn into this ugly version of herself.
My Mother, I firmly believe, did not want to be a wife and Mother unfortunately. I really think she just tried to conform to being something she thought she should have been, but really didn't want to be. My Mother was a free spirit and I think she repressed very many aspects of herself to make everyone else happy and think she was a good person.
She didn't know she was already capable of being a good and happy person (without anyones permission).
Of course that still doesn't absolve her of her wrongs, but I can understand it. My dad said she wasn't ALWAYS that way (abusive, neglectful, selfish, etc) so what happened?
You fill in the blanks and draw your own conclusion. I'm not here to dredge up a history I can't re-write. I am here to talk about cycle breaking, blank slates and rebooting of a story that seems to insidiously show itself within its offspring.
I realized that my biggest fear was being like my Mother, yet I was repeating the same cycle she lived through that turned her into what she became. I was repressing myself, living my life FOR others and through the opinions of others, I was not being MY-self, because I felt MY - SELF had no value unless I was doing for others, performing, adapting.
My sister was discussing this same problem.
The cycle can be broken through her and I. If we just show people the multifaceted aspects of women. Men are multifaceted too. No man or woman is the same, and that is what is so perfect about us. That is what makes it so necessary for us to connect, to blend, to create something new together.
The disease that tore my Mother apart and poisoned her is not going to poison me or my sister. Rock your weird, shine even when it feels like the world is blinding itself to you. You weren't meant to be seen by everyone. But if you turn yourself onto life in the way that pleases you, the right people and situations will see you.
I fucking promise you that.
Break the cycle of needing to be needed, liked, approved of or whatever is keeping you in bondage. Break the chains, they never existed any way. You created them the moment you started moving, acting, breathing and living FOR the eyes of others. Life is not a broadway show, not everyone is here for you, not everyone is excited to meet you, not everyone will appreciate you.
That doesn't mean you stop living, that doesn't mean you stop being you. You were given this one unique life, don't waste it putting on an act. Do you really wanna be on your deathbed feeling like your entire life was a lie? Do you really want to go through a midlife/quarter life crisis because you have no sense of identity?
FUCK NO. SKIP THAT SHIT. BREAK THE CYCLE BABE.
You got this.
You're here and I'm glad.
Also, nice butt.
Welcome to my journal, beautiful soul. Here is where you'll have a sneak peek into the deeper recesses of my Priestess Brain! The good, the bad, the ugly, the sparkly.