So i'm sitting here listening to incubus's "Stellar" for like the millionth time and jamming out in my head. I'm coming off a Madonna high too (damn her dancy music! lol). And I'm thinking about how I was a month ago versus now.
I'm still mourning, grieving, processing, receiving and releasing.
But I feel stronger than I was before.
Before I was just laying in bed for two weeks straight, feeling like absolute death. Denying an inevitable truth (a lot of them actually) that I was trying to force and bend to my own will before I let the reality of it all sink in and envelop me with its therapeutic caress.
Now here I am, awake, alive, listening to music and talking to you amazing souls. I'm still hurting, sometimes I get angry, at times all I wanna do is cry.
But there are other moments where I look at the clear, starlit sky and just take a deep breath of awe into myself.
There are moments where I feel aroused and completely orgasmic without the sexual part of it all. But completely turned on by life.
There are moments where I feel dancy and just wanna sing and shake my booty.
There are moments where I savor some yummy treats and good conversation.
Between the sips of decaf coffee and sweet melodies I found that the only way out of the abyss is through it. All my life I was a beacon of light, not an angel (far from that shit), but I was always a champion of the light. Trying to find something good in everything (and everyone) to a fault. This was my time of absolute darkness. Where I couldn't find any of the light for awhile, because I had to literally crawl through a dark patch.
I always fought the dark, the evil, the wretched, the unjust. And during this time, all that darkness that existed in me completely ripped me to shreds.
But thats okay.
I needed it.
I needed to be torn so I could be free.
The only way out of the pain is through it.
The only way out of a hectic situation is through the door that leads to your peaceful one.
The only way out of heartache, is through the arms of your own embrace. (love thyself).
So no, I'm not recovered completely. I won't be for a long time.
But I'll keep pushing through to that other side, cuz thats where the light is and that's what I am. Light & love and everything I've been trying to so hard to prove, I already am. And its THROUGH all that which I am not that I'll remember it all again.
Welcome to my journal, beautiful soul. Here is where you'll have a sneak peek into the deeper recesses of my Priestess Brain! The good, the bad, the ugly, the sparkly.