I had to learn a hard lesson coming into this new year. What else should I have expected, coming into a number 1 year after all. With this new year I had to accept that I had severe anxiety and depression, I also had to accept that the majority of that was coming from my long-term relationship. Within that realization, I had to let go of said relationship and say goodbye to the potential and focus more on the reality.
The reality of it was that I wasn't happy with him. I hadn't been happy for a very long time, and was trying to force us both to be something we couldn't be for one another.
I had to admit I was weak.
I had to go on a hiatus from my clients.
I had to admit I needed help.
I had to reach out.
I've literally been broken into pieces and had to admit that this year is my year to rebuild because the truth was, there was a lot of brokenness inside me that I wasn't focusing enough on. I was too busy focusing on everything and everyone else outside me that I neglected myself.
I had to admit that I was treating myself the same way my Mother treated me. Less significant. I made everything else more important. My happiness wasn't even an option.
This is the year that I've been presented with the following lessons:
+ Take care of ME always.
+ Stop fucking explaining myself and act without explaining
+ Stop saying sorry unless I've actually done wrong
+ Stop feeling guilty for every fucking thing
+ Stop taking responsibility for everyone elses happiness
+ Ask for what I want
+ Stop waiting for someone else to give me permission to be happy
+ Don't take shit from ANYONE, even the ones I love
+ Step back, take a deep breath, be present and put energy into what I DO have and LOVE.
These were hard truths because sadly in my psyche, I believed I didn't deserve any of the healing they offered.
But I do.
And Now I rebuild.
Thank you for being with me every step of the way, even on my darker days. We all have a light within us, but off that light, shadows flicker too. We cannot have one without the other. It's time to accept these halves of ourselves and marry them once and for all rather than war them against each other.
Don't you think?
Welcome to my journal, beautiful soul. Here is where you'll have a sneak peek into the deeper recesses of my Priestess Brain! The good, the bad, the ugly, the sparkly.